I don't know what to title this.

So I find myself here, on my laptop, on Blogger, telling a crowd of internet perusers the thoughts that are tearing me to shreds tonight.

I need people
as much as I push them away...
I need them.
They occupy my mind,
at least keep it focused on their lives as opposed to the troubles of my own.

As much as I know about how men work
As much as I know about how to protect my heart
I still go after the boy that I know will tear down my guard, whisk me away to this dreamlike world and then leave me there when he's grown tired of my company or my personality has become dull.

I change for people, depending on the person and their style
This mainly applys to men I've become interested in.
And again, it happened with him.

I don't know myself to be myself around people.
I feel lost in this chaos I've created from these personalities.
I am a melting pot of each individual I've come in contact with.
I am molded by those around me.
No control over myself.

I'm so upset with myself
So pissed off
So fucking frustrated that I've made myself both physically and emotionally sick.

I longed to know you since I laid my stupid baby blues on you.
I, from a distance, admired you...
not in a creepy, stalker way either.
It was done in a indifferent manner almost, though that doesn't make much sense.
I got so close, so very close to obtaining you.
I stayed guarded until two nights ago.
Two nights ago when your index finger traced the edge of the dimple located on my shoulder
Two nights ago when you pulled me back down to stay curled up with each other
Two nights ago when you played with my hair and watched me fall asleep
Two nights ago, you watched my guard fall with each simultaneous touch.
Two nights ago, you led me to believe you cared equally.
Two nights ago, you weren't satisfied.
Two nights ago, you knew you would bring this hurt upon me.
And so you did, and you changed your mind, and you let me deal with this on my own.

So this night, I lay in bed, thinking of the anger and hatred I have towards you.
How I tried to be what you wanted and even that wasn't good enough.
This is me giving up
Giving up on you, this summer, relationships and most importantly, my happiness.