The world

2011-03-24T18:27:00.001-07:00

I’m torn apart.
Mercilessly ripped limb from limb by my mind’s shadow.
It’s a sickness I can’t fix and I faced that.
There is no fixing this pain.
It can not be silenced
It can not be ignored
It can not be rid of
I’m left in my desired solitude
Always thinking
Always waning in it’s overbearing presence.

2011-02-22T17:20:00.000-08:00

A few things I should note that you knew nothing about:
-I planned to devote the end of my summer break to surprise visit you. I already started to save up money...$98 towards plane tickets.
-I was going to give up getting a tattoo to use that money on seeing you as well.
-You're the reason I've been dedicated to losing weight...14 pounds in a month 'n' half and counting
-You have been constantly on my mind since December.
-Despite all the shit that happened between us, I just wanted you to be happy.
-I don't know if I'll miss you but I do hope you come back....whatever that means.
-I'm sorry for whatever I did that made you hate me but I think the way you left was distasteful.

You've left again

2011-02-21T14:18:00.001-08:00

I'm not surprised.
Well, I'm not surprised you've left...surprised more at how you did it.
I'll be sure to act like I fell off the face of the earth.
Hope all goes well for you.
You aren't the missing piece, I guess.

2011-02-14T19:12:00.001-08:00

You're spending Valentine's day with someone else.
That hurts.
I want to be that girl.
I want to spend the night in your bed talking all night.
Kiss you goodnight and say I love you.
Because I fucking do.
So much.
And it feels irrelevant.

Stop playing games with me.
You're someone I don't want to hate.

for all the reasons I love you

2011-02-12T22:34:00.000-08:00

make honesty much harder than it should
coming clean has happened and I felt free for moments
when these moments passed
the void in my life became ever so empty

for some reason, I believe with all that's left of my heart that you are it.
and under the circumstances I can see why anyone but I would believe how immature and pathetic this conclusion may seem
but leaving you behind, shutting you out
it's no longer an option because for the first time in a long time I let someone in,
I let you in.
You invaded me from miles away.
Swimming through me, head to toe.
I so foolishly fell in love with you and fucked it up.
I'm young, this is true but I am not dumb.
I feel a feeling grander than most I've ever felt.
I see you when I close my eyes.
I see you in my dreams
and if your touch is as gentle and sincere as it is in these
than I surely know I don't want another soul to have access.

This is all I feel, raw emotion
This is my uncensored view of you
and you will never know
because your reaction will break me.

I'm tired of being this disgusting person

2011-02-07T14:56:00.001-08:00

I gained 5 pounds after I just worked off 10
I'm fucking pathetic.

I can't wait to leave.

2011-01-18T21:24:00.001-08:00

I hate these people, these unoriginal mirrors.

I’m getting so sick of all the fucking boo-hoo’s and last minute drama.

I’m so tired of faking friendships.

I’m so frustrated with people giving a fuck about all the wrong things.

When I leave, I become a ghost to everyone here.

When I’m gone, don’t act like you all fucking cared.

Eat.

My.

Shit.

fuck this, fuck that.

2011-01-12T19:09:00.000-08:00

I've been lying
to you
to myself
thinking we'd have something.

I'm driving myself mad every night
wishing you were next to me.

I won't ever have that day.

And though our love could move mountains...
there will never be a happy ending for us.
so what are we doing?
why are we even wasting our time?

oh blogger

2010-12-14T17:06:00.000-08:00

yes, I made a tumblr, I'm so sorry to betray you.
good news is I'll still post the deep secrets here.

I wrote this for him: (act as a storage room until I'm ready to tell him)
"its just, I have this feeling where I have so much to tell you but when I go to type something I have no idea what to say. It's my fault because you leave me speechless and I don't like telling you my feelings because now that you're back I don't want you to go anywhere. I'm scared that if I tell you all of this you'll go away. I wanna call you big spoon and I want things to go back the way they were. But everything seems so different except for what I feel for you. That never changed and the second I saw your face in my stupid friend request box I teared up. Whether you like it or not, I loved you. You were such a huge influence to me and that never changed. I'm so scared to love you and I know that if we talk I will because you're just so adorable and you're so kind and funny and you just never get old. You'll never know this though. I'll save this, lock away for a day where I can tell you. Where I feel like you won't judge me or reject it completely. Maybe you'll even feel the same and write me a paragraph filled with lines about how you miss your little spoon. This is a foolish hope to have, but I have it and its all I'm dying to tell you."

We crash

2010-12-11T11:31:00.001-08:00

and burned.

Just like I knew we would.

What a shame.

aysayako

2010-12-09T15:16:00.001-08:00

"The biggest mistake you can make
is to drift apart from someone
whom you once
had the time of your life with"

I miss you too.

it hurts

2010-12-01T19:42:00.000-08:00

seeing you walk right past me

I watched it today,
for the first time I didn't put my head down.

I made the right decision.

With time, I hope that we can sit down together.
Not to glue together broken pieces,
there's just so much I still needed to say.

I hope you read this.
I have a feeling you still do.
I still think about the fight every day.

I'm sorry and I'm not.

With time, I'd like to see your face
simply to tell you,
I loved you like a sibling.
You became a second me.
And even though it wasn't shown,
it really did hurt.

2010-11-17T13:30:00.001-08:00

"Scatter me across the sky
I'll shine all night
And just like a star
I'll fall for you"

We will crash and burn,
just like the others...

But for now,
I feel on top of the world.

Let's be something.

I miss you

2010-11-15T17:21:00.000-08:00

and you
and you

Things are changing so quickly
I feel like I've been reborn
I see everything so purely now
Even though I have
eyes wide shut.

I've been seeing You
in my dreams
day dreams
I miss you
your fingertips
your tongue
your eyes
your scent
naturally, I still think of you.
Yes, I still love you.

I've been seeing You
in a fleeting manner
when you have the time
I miss you more and more each day
You get older and older each day
I don't want to lose you
our bond.
Stay forever young with me
nights at the basketball courts
marlboro butts smooshed in a circle around us.
I've been seeing you.

And you.
I've been seeing You.
Yes, boy I've known for three years.
You've been there for me,
stood up for me
and listened to me at my worst.
You've nuzzled yourself into my heart lately
warm and trustworthy
I collapse into you.
Somehow you are detached though,
to me something's missing.
My all is what I will give to you,
just say the words.

realizations, pt. 2

2010-11-05T15:02:00.000-07:00

Over the course of 4 years,
I've experienced a whole lotta shit.

I've hated
I've loved
I've lost
I've won

And every experience I've had,
I wouldn't trade for the world.

Because as I'm sitting here and writing this,
the people
I've kept...
the ones I've fought for...
They matter,
they build me up.

I am myself,
I've finally found that connection.

Most importantly,
I'm content.

I am at peace.
<3

exhale

2010-11-03T16:57:00.000-07:00

Breathing.

It's such a blessing.

It tells stories
and changes feelings.

It keeps us alive.

Breathing.

It reminds me that I'm still here.

It proves that
my world isn't ending.

It keeps me from going crazy.

Breathing.

It blocked out the negatives.

It kept my white knuckles
firm by my side.

It keeps me from crossing lines.

catfaces

2010-11-01T18:03:00.001-07:00

"One more thing for you and I to do before
We shut our eyes, and that's blame
Me and I'll blame you, and we're both right."

karma

2010-10-28T18:51:00.000-07:00

go shit on someone else for once

god damnit

my teeth are gonna turn to dust
from all this gritting they're doing.

I'm workin' on the good
I'm tryin' my damn best

Consider myself temporary.

2010-10-27T13:27:00.000-07:00

I am pushed.
Pushed away after giving my all.

My heart on my sleeve
as well as in my hands,
which stay outstretched towards you...
always will.

Your name,
an automatic cause and effect.

My eyelids slam shut,
faster than one might imagine.
Holding back what you bring out of me...
the worst.

As if my foolish efforts,
to hold back a trail from my right eye
will change how you feel.

Curled in a ball,
I run the tips of my fingers
across the fibers on my floor...

Impatiently waiting,
waiting for a sign,
something that tells me to get back up.

In the darkness,
red dashes form numbers,
reminding me that at 3 in the morning
no sign will come.

The world may as well be dead at this hour.
I may as well be dead at this hour.

midweek

2010-10-13T18:38:00.000-07:00

dead
desperation

I feel
emotions
not only my own,
but others.

There's a side of me
no one's ever seen
it's taking over.

it terrifies me.

like being alone in the dark
like seeing a rapist in your doorway
like an abusive parent

this side of me is my one true fear
and it's coming out of its cage

fear: a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain.
permanent fear.

a sunday smile

2010-10-12T12:50:00.000-07:00

I remember
a feeling unknown
falling in love
and not to my knowledge
utter chaos

I remember
our first intentions
and how they changed
so completely.

I remember
the pure connection I felt
like it wasn't our first time
and how it seemed that we melted
into one

I remember
the worry setting in
tears welling on my lower lashes
and how they were trained
not to fall

I remember
the fear I felt
when you looked into my iris'
and said you loved me

That fear pushes
and pulls me
away and into you.

You.
Us.
It's something completely different
You'll be my everything one second
and the next I'm prepared to pretend
pretend that you never once entered my life

It's awfully confusing but at the same time
I'm so in love with it
This controlled switch of emotions

You are here to ruin me
You will try
and succeed for a few minutes
Then I will go
and be this refreshed human
happy as an innocent

I remember
words
phrases
that you've said to many girls
foolish ones
and now there's me
Allison.

I will be the one to show you change
I will be the one to turn your world upside down
and if not that
than your world will remain the same.
If this is so,
I wish you the very best
for you will not see a day so bright
a smile so bright
you will not hear a voice so pure
words so sincere
ever again.

You pushed
and I flew.

"and I've been getting high

2010-10-01T15:37:00.000-07:00

just to balance out the lows."

shit
I don't know if you're offering me
the world
or
the sun

I'm scared to get burned.
You know you hold that opportunity.

I need to fade this out
You as a blur is the best way to survive this.

title this, my love

2010-09-20T13:15:00.001-07:00

somehow
you've set explosives
all up and down the walls
the walls of my heart

the heat from the explosion
melted that blood pumpin' organ
and now this pure happiness
is pouring through my body

I feel you from head to toe
I feel your love
flowing through my every square inch

and I'm floating in mid air
looking down on everyone

except
for
you

coz you're right there with me

"you can count me like 1, 2, 3

2010-09-12T13:40:00.000-07:00

I'll be there
And I know when I need it I can count on you like 4 3 2
And you'll be there
Cause that's what friends are supposed to do"

you've changed
don't stay like this

you've lost your humor
and you bring me down

I'm here to help
I love you

3 years won't be long enough
when august rolls around

"If you go, you know I'm coming with you

2010-09-09T15:28:00.000-07:00

blind, bound by love."

How deceiving
emotions can be
How wrong
brutal honesty is now

The blame game stands no chance
I can play all night

The true criminal is
the person inside us
pulling the strings
telling us how we feel
or maybe even leading us to
believe what we should feel.

Karma stands no chance
I've had shit luck all my life.

I am what I am because of it.
I've learned to accept me
and embrace my flaws.
I am a canvas in progress
in which many people paint upon.

You were one.

глаза

2010-09-06T14:09:00.000-07:00

It started with your sleepy eyes
Then that enticing accent
There was a barrier
a she
but Yuengling called our names

It started with my devious smile after jokes
Then the way you told me of the "consequences"
Somehow the gap between our seating arrangements, closed.

like a real R, vodka shots all around

It started with your libidinous eyes
and how your hands flowed across the curve of my backside
then your greedy fingertips, applying pressure
pressure in all the right places

It started with your lips parting over my earlobe
whispering promises
then your grip on my scalp
pulling my head back to the stars

It started with frozen fingertips
a hunger of sorts
heat far from the fire
muffled sighs

mixed languages or perfection
consider my mind...blown.

your friends

2010-09-03T12:23:00.000-07:00

and your opinionated ways
are the reason

I can't stand

you

anymore

I felt you in my legs before I even met you

2010-09-02T13:31:00.000-07:00

This is a pre-blog
Because the shit storm about to ensue
well, it needs an introduction.

So this is it.
Buckle your seatbelts.

My blog

2010-08-28T09:13:00.001-07:00

usually calls to me
allows me to write from the core
to explain my recent depressions

I may not write for a while...

risk

2010-08-27T17:11:00.000-07:00

you are a four letter word
you swim through my veins
you cause my fingers to tremble

I am scared
I am trusting in you
I know you can't hurt me
but this is huge

Know this.

You are my risk.
You are my love.

I hear your words

2010-08-26T14:07:00.000-07:00

echoing through my phone
I hear everything you're saying
believe me.

You tell me to see what you see
my eyes, they are very much open
believe me.

Don't put yourself in my shoes
Don't try to help

Don't you see?

I see love in your eyes
but what do you see in mine?

The answer is clear.
Tell me what you see.

agh

2010-08-24T15:50:00.001-07:00

"Why do you do this to me?
Why do you do this so easily?
You make it hard to smile because
You make it hard to breathe
Why do you do this to me?"

you bailed again
I'm crying

I needed to see you.

why

2010-08-23T20:58:00.000-07:00

I feel so deceived

What have you done but created a monster?
How could you put me through this kind of pain?

You are my guiding light
You were, anyway.

Why?

snowflake

2010-08-23T16:11:00.000-07:00

this is your name now
because I spend all year waiting for you
and once you fall
I catch you
and you melt

then I wait a whole 'nother year
only to repeat my actions

when will I learn?
when the seasons stop changing?

...at least rain is reoccurring.

go away

2010-08-22T20:28:00.001-07:00

you sick
diseased
malcontent
bastardly
creature

stop building a home
inside my lungs
my heart
my liver

I'm rotting away
this is your fault

if only it was a two way mirror

let the self loathing ensue

2010-08-22T18:04:00.000-07:00

I wish I could shred the guitar
or be where you are

walk a mile in my shoes
see all the pity screws

I see no end
just this heart to mend

but I'm tired

and alone

and it seems this house

it's not my home.

untitled

2010-08-21T11:08:00.001-07:00

I had a dream
involving a tidal wave
it crushed me
tossed and turned me
and when I went to reach for you

you walked away.

I need you...like a lighthouse on a coast

2010-08-17T21:17:00.000-07:00

So long I've waited for these words,
my love.

So very long I've been waiting.

I've doubted myself
and us

but I knew deep down we belong.

you are my guide
you are my light
and I am so drawn to you.

How cruel your timing is,
not to me
but a distant lover

How cruel I do feel
How selfish I may seem

but this decision has been made from the start
I just had to hear...

"Sweetie, I thought about it. I told you I couldn't see you anymore cause I was scared. But you're it. You make the most sense to me. I see you every night when I close my eyes. I love you, be all mine?"

I need you...like a needle needs a vein.

2010-08-10T13:46:00.000-07:00

Everytime I see you
Everytime I feel you
Everytime I hug you
Everytime I kiss you

My eyes close and
something in the back of my head...
it clicks.

Let the warmth flow through my veins
through my nerves

Allow the butterflies to take off
Allow my smile to spread ear to ear

When you say my name
I feel your voice gliding through my body

When you're by my side
I find myself

After all this confusion
After all the pain
After all the desperation for a light
You appeared

And now, I see glimpses of who I am
I see it in you.

I've said it before
"You bring out the best in me."
But for once, I mean it.

Because you taught me who me is
without saying a word

SHIT! nothing makes sense!

2010-08-10T12:18:00.000-07:00

So I won't think about it

these decisions
they come at the worst of times

these decisions
they can be called foolish

safety or it's opposite?
how can I even ask this?

I am such a fool...

such a fool.

I am beyond terrified

2010-08-09T21:43:00.000-07:00

My heart is swelling
compelled to explode

I don't know what I'm feeling

One feeling I'm sure of
is the one I get
when I'm feeling the nearness of you

Your arms are like a lullaby
My eyelids close almost instantly when I'm curled up next to you

I'm trying to open my heart
I know you'll take good care of it.

This is what I'm too scared to tell you.

kissing the curve of your clavicle

2010-08-05T20:52:00.000-07:00

I imagine your hands
tracing every inch of me
rearranging strands of my hair
finding their way to the nape of my neck

I imagine being pulled in close to you
the touch of your hand on my lower back
the craving of being even closer

I imagine the intensity of us
the heat between our two bodies
the satisfaction of your breath on my skin

My imagination runs wild with ideas.
I turn them into wishes
and you've become one.

but you will see what is wrong with everything, what is wrong with you and me

2010-08-05T15:35:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is about you

I can't seem to decipher the feeling you give me

I put songs about love on repeat
I sing them with all my heart
I dance in my room
I stare at the stars
I look at trees silhouetting in the skyline
and I think of you.

You've renovated my outlook on life

No one builds me up the way you do.

I'm trying to believe...
trying.

I had tangles in my hair, but you make me feel so pretty.

2010-07-30T18:57:00.000-07:00

You make me so happy

I relay our memories all night long
playing like motion pictures behind my eyelids
the grin you love so much, sprawled across my face

I forecast every hug before you arrive on my doorstep
I picture your hands sliding around my curves
like its the first time we've touched in years

I know you
your familiar scent
the faint taste of fresh rolled cigarettes...
I pick it up every time I lick my lips after we kiss

our situation, it's complicated
but you, you simplify my life
and I want nothing more
no one more
than you

I love nothing more
no one more
than you, right now.

You give me hope.

stop walking away, god damnit.

2010-07-28T23:16:00.000-07:00

It's been almost 2 years, sweetheart

I've become impatient

Sure, she is your comfort
your familiarity
your safety

But I will be all that and more

I feel as if I have to advertise myself to you
assure you that I am me and you'd crave me every night
you'd yearn and turn and call out my name

I love you.
you, stupid stupid boy

I want to scream it,
louder than I've ever screamed before.

I wish I could take popcorn to the moon and watch the world destroy itself

2010-07-25T00:11:00.000-07:00

of course, I'd only go if you did to.

because
as pathetic as it may be
I'd stand right by your side as the world caved in upon itself

but you don't know
or you do
but you don't care.

I want to forget you
I want to hate you

unfortunately, you can't do both
for if I am to forget you, I must cut all feelings
but if I'm not strong enough, I will never forget you...

another fear...

I'm afraid I'll never forget you.

I'll move the mountains, if he wants them out of the way. Crazy he calls me. Sure, I'm crazy, crazy in love, I say.

2010-07-21T21:04:00.000-07:00

Tonight
Tonight I danced in a nautical themed dress
I swirled around my room on the tips of my toes
Billie Holiday encouraged every single twirl

Tonight
Tonight I danced with many emotions
They swirled through me from my nose to the tips of my toes
Billie Holiday influencing every single one

Tonight
Tonight
Tonight
Oh tonight.

loathe me

2010-07-21T02:29:00.000-07:00

I've become this time bomb

Every bone in my body fractured
and what was used to fill these cracks was nothing but

emotional sludge.

I write like it'll fix things
I write because they tell me to
I write because I want you to see what you've done

I am foolish to say I fear I won't be the same
but who ever is

We are all everchanging and we are all letdowns...
or should I speak for myself?

I have a home but I am homeless.
I have company but I am alone.
Why do I feel so alone?

Why must I feel so alone?

when you close yours

2010-07-19T16:18:00.000-07:00

it's been almost a year since
a year since I so foolishly uttered that damn word from my mouth...

and meant it.

But suddenly, you've squirmed into my life again.
After such a long time, such a very long lonesome time,
you came back.

Impeccable timing I might add.
Not only do I find a relationship to already be had and other
...options, might I say...
but you bare news that rips me to shreds.

Don't leave.
I beg of you, don't go.

You'd be so far.
Too far to hold me til 4 in the morning
to braid my hair til 4 in the morning
to circle the dimples in my shoulders til 4 in the morning

There would be no more star gazing with interlocked fingers
no more whispering in my ear
no more play fights
no more playing with my hair til I fall asleep
no more meaningful kisses on my cheeks, my forehead, my earlobes

I wouldn't open my eyes to you tracing my jaw line
I wouldn't open my eyes to your familiar shadowy eyes
I wouldn't open my eyes to a boy who protects me from anything

And with all these realizations, I can only say
If you must go, go.
But please, see my eyes when you close yours.

My most surreal fear just may be coming true.
I think I fell in love with you.

curiosity

2010-07-19T16:04:00.000-07:00

I'm curious as to who actually reads these

If I know you, you should let me know.

If you understand me through this I'd probably love to be your friend

no matter
how strange or how normal,
I'd enjoy your company.

beautiful

2010-07-14T22:48:00.000-07:00

I dedicate this to you
And I know you'll read this.

I believe every word you say to me
Even though it's crazy that you believe them to

I don't feel so small in this world when I talk to you
I hope I return that feeling

Colin James,
You make me feel beautiful.
<3

The Urge

2010-07-10T21:41:00.000-07:00

crav·ing
noun
an intense, urgent, or abnormal desire or longing

they're back.

I hate you when you're here
I miss you when you're gone

Happy medium?
nowhere in sight.

Stop hurting me...

please?

ah, ouch.

2010-07-06T18:48:00.000-07:00

This is it.
This is the last time I'm gonna waste my time writing about our time.

Yes, I know we were friends
but I craved you.

You walked all over me.
I was nothing but sympathetic and empathetic
and now I'm done.

I will not stand by any longer as you laugh and play your games with me.

Farewell, sir.
Though, that's what you hate being called.

"we touch, I feel a rush"

2010-07-02T17:28:00.000-07:00

You know you're a good rapper when...
you give me chills with your lyrics.

This isn't a typical blog entry but it's semi-relative to my usual style.
I just needed to express how amazed I am over Eminem's new album, Recovery.

i n t e n s e lyrics
seriously, struck me to the core.

Space Bound is my favorite track and I have to say
the album's crazy inspiring.

Listen to it :)

ay dad...

2010-07-01T16:39:00.001-07:00

Life without you here is pretty peaceful
I don't feel like shit 25 hours a day, 8 days a week

I know what you did,
don't come home.

To my dear monster.

2010-06-29T19:44:00.000-07:00

"you are my canvas, ill paint my love all over you
i will pour my soul onto you, my pain, my happiness, my forgiveness
ill cry with you, die with you, live with you
you are my beautiful painting
we will exist long after ive gone."

You.
You wrote this about me.
Years ago, you never wanted me to leave.

I don't love you anymore
I don't really miss you anymore
But I can't help to ask myself...

What happened?
Where'd we go wrong?

I loved you
I missed you
I hate that the security of it all decided to vanish

oh, lifelessness.

2010-06-29T10:21:00.000-07:00

Since the day I was born
I knew I would never actually live.

17 years of dealing with a completely inhibited lifestyle.
It'll never change, either.
I've made this relatively scheduled lifestyle,
I've followed it so well that there's never been any really
extreme vicissitudes.

I want to live
I want to live
I want to live
I want to live
I want to live

I want to live

pause

2010-06-28T01:06:00.000-07:00

Something about your hug
gives me the most secure feeling.
I don't know if it's your biceps flexing slightly around my shoulders
or your hands and how they find their way to the small of my back.
or even when you slide them into my pockets.
It could be the way you push my hair back
so you can nuzzle your nose in my neck
Maybe the way you kiss my temples every time you pull me in
Possibly how you laugh when I make my nommy noise and lightly bite you shoulders.
Either way, I vanish into my own personal heaven when I'm held by you.

Happiness?

Its times like these...

2010-06-24T22:52:00.000-07:00

It's times like these that I wish you could fulfill your duties as my "big spoon."
It's times like these where I wish the miles upon miles that seperate us, diminished.
It's times like these where
I want to hear you say I love you
I want to see your smile
I want to feel your embrace
I want to lay so close to you that we become one
I want you to make me smile...

I miss you and that's saying the very least.
I hate you for being so addictive.
I love you and that's the hardest part.

Tonight, I said goodbye for good.
I want you to fight it...
but you don't want me anymore.

It's time like these where I wish you felt remotely connected to me...
like we used to be.

I'll miss you, terribly.

I don't know what to title this.

2010-06-14T22:19:00.000-07:00

So I find myself here, on my laptop, on Blogger, telling a crowd of internet perusers the thoughts that are tearing me to shreds tonight.

I need people
as much as I push them away...
I need them.
They occupy my mind,
at least keep it focused on their lives as opposed to the troubles of my own.

As much as I know about how men work
As much as I know about how to protect my heart
I still go after the boy that I know will tear down my guard, whisk me away to this dreamlike world and then leave me there when he's grown tired of my company or my personality has become dull.

I change for people, depending on the person and their style
This mainly applys to men I've become interested in.
And again, it happened with him.

I don't know myself to be myself around people.
I feel lost in this chaos I've created from these personalities.
I am a melting pot of each individual I've come in contact with.
I am molded by those around me.
No control over myself.

I'm so upset with myself
So pissed off
So fucking frustrated that I've made myself both physically and emotionally sick.

I longed to know you since I laid my stupid baby blues on you.
I, from a distance, admired you...
not in a creepy, stalker way either.
It was done in a indifferent manner almost, though that doesn't make much sense.
I got so close, so very close to obtaining you.
I stayed guarded until two nights ago.
Two nights ago when your index finger traced the edge of the dimple located on my shoulder
Two nights ago when you pulled me back down to stay curled up with each other
Two nights ago when you played with my hair and watched me fall asleep
Two nights ago, you watched my guard fall with each simultaneous touch.
Two nights ago, you led me to believe you cared equally.
Two nights ago, you weren't satisfied.
Two nights ago, you knew you would bring this hurt upon me.
And so you did, and you changed your mind, and you let me deal with this on my own.

So this night, I lay in bed, thinking of the anger and hatred I have towards you.
How I tried to be what you wanted and even that wasn't good enough.
This is me giving up
Giving up on you, this summer, relationships and most importantly, my happiness.

the fack...

2010-05-22T13:45:00.001-07:00

I hate liking, crushing, loving people.
Such a waste of time and effort.

You piss me off, sir.

2010-05-22T13:43:00.001-07:00

I realized today
(since I am a Taurus)
my no-change policy is the reason for
why I fell in love with hurt
I thank you, zodiac!
Thank you for the long term heartache.
Sagittarius boy you have done your job.
The stars fell in line perfectly.

finally.

2010-05-02T09:06:00.001-07:00

"i think about this alot and i've come to the final conclusion that, your it. that's as simple as it gets, your the one person that i get that aching twinge for... that underwater feeling evertime i see you...i feel like an idiot ninety percent of the time but i've come to realize that it's just unchangeable"

I miss happiness

2010-04-24T11:31:00.001-07:00

Random days I feel this longing to be happy.
Truth is, it's been three long, long years since I have been.
I don't want to pinpoint it on one solo pathetic reason.
Ugh, I need to catch a break

the day of days

2010-03-21T19:04:00.000-07:00

the grass, so surreal
bass melting into your soul, peacefully
vibrations, unbelievable
your eyes, size of the moon
my eyes, rings of saturn
spinning in circles, purity
talking with ease
confidence awakened
happiness restored.

bleh, rhymer.

2010-03-16T16:38:00.000-07:00

take your claws out of my skin
with them there, I cannot win
remove your hands from my eyes
erase your fingerprints from my thighs
suck your memories from my skull
you've exhausted me, I've become so dull
retire me from chasing you in my dreams
I'm so tired of the melodramatic themes
I love you but this game has lost it's appeal
I've got nothing left to feel
and it's all your fault...
I am defenseless, I can't take your assault.

...

2010-03-07T19:05:00.000-08:00

so sweetly you serenade me

I feel drawn to you
I swim underneath blankets
I bend beautifully for you

Your touch sweeps across my torso
Caress me, softly.

I'll breathe you in
Intoxicate me with your addicting scent.

You are mine.
You are my very own drug.
You've been created to make or break me.

Quick Statement

2010-02-15T20:56:00.000-08:00

If you're curious as to how I know we belong together...
it's because the first ever time we talked, everything fell right into its place.
It's cheesy, I know, but it's a hundred percent true.
I fell in love with you the very second you said...
"not to be rude but how the hell do I know you?"

I don't like this

2010-02-08T14:37:00.000-08:00

I regret hating so many people.
I hate the grudges my conscience tells me to hold.

"I'm laying down on the cold ground"

2010-01-31T16:52:00.000-08:00

Comepletely alone
I foster what's left of our memories
Keep them wrapped up tight
Warm and sheltered from any pain
you might inflict upon them.
We are undeserving of their
mental ease...
their comfort.
But who am I kidding,
you packed them in a brown box
left them on my doorstep.
It's done and over,
I shall bring them home,
to sit alone,
under a warming light.
A pathetic attempt to keep us alive,
in my desperate little head.

I said, "I'd rather have a slap in the face than a knife in my back...." Can anyone hear me?!

2010-01-25T18:50:00.000-08:00

I sometimes wonder how many times a day someone asks, "Why me?"
We ask the sky
the wind
the blades of grass beneath our toes
the reflection in the water
to no avail.
Why me indeed.
I stopped asking that question months ago.
I stopped praying months ago.
I stopped wishing on stars months ago.
I stopped looking for hope months ago.
You know, whoever YOU might be, anything good I have going for me ends up as a tragic, body mangling train wreck. Any survivor that crawls away from the wreckage screams and curses at me, the conductor.
And this leads me to my new question,
"What did I do this time?"
Because it has to be me.
Anytime I and someone else get into a spat, they play the victim card.
Is that an instinct around these parts?
Did I miss the effin memo?
I'm so SICK and TIRED of the same ol' crap from everyone.
"WELL NO NO NO, I NEVER SAID THAT"
When deep within your core, theres a man with blades for fingers RIPPING you to shreds with each lie you try to feed me.
Well let me tell you something, that little man and I, well, we're good friends. And when I look at you, I see straight through you to him.
I see your lies.

damn you, nostalgia.

2010-01-23T18:24:00.000-08:00

When you left me, you took every bit of will to move on in my body with you. Ever since that day in october, I've been nothing but nostalgic. I've gathered my things and crawled into a deep dark hole that I don't plan on venturing out of anytime soon. I'm not asking for sympathy, I'm not asking for pity, I'm just stating the obvious. I don't like any of my friends anymore, I don't like strangers anymore. Any boy I see I do not wish to meet or understand or feel comfortable around. My happiness is gone, my energy is drained, my wit is fading, my drive is decelerating. I wish sometimes that you'd come back and lay in my bed, so I could sleep sound again, curled close to your body, inhaling you're familiar scent, feeling your comforting warmth. Other times I wish you'd disappear. At times I'd wish I never met you, that you were simply one of my imaginary creatures I had concocted in my head.
Why'd you do this to me of all people?
Why am I even asking this still?
I do not love you anymore, but you fit the mold, you made me function.
If you could just give me whatever that was and go your separate way I'd be content. No misery would find it's way into my hollow heart.
God, it feels nice to vent, even if it is to my keyboard.
What is this sadness? It's a new emptiness I haven't felt yet.
I've seen the "curl up on the bottom of your shower and stare at the drain until you forget who you are"
I've seen the "cry into your pillow until you throw up in the black trashcan next to you"
I've seen the "can't cry anymore because you took that all away from me"
but this new pain, this complete apathy, complete emptiness, complete lack of will...
I want it gone.
I want to love my friends again.
I want to be excited for tomorrow and today.
This is all your fault.
And you don't even know.

"I'd eat your heart out but my teeth are sore"

2009-12-25T10:54:00.000-08:00

Apathy has consumed me.
I've finally faced this.

Short and sweet.

2009-11-26T19:30:00.000-08:00

Basically, I know this much.
I need to sleep.
Sleep to dream.
Sleep to forget.
Sleep forever.

We made promises tonight

2009-11-24T21:09:00.000-08:00

Promises we both know we won't keep.
Or at least, I know that he will forget them.
But I still made him promise, for the mere sake of my tears.
And for an instant, my heart overflowed with
complete
pure
innocent
love.
You are,
my soulmate.
Driven apart by our distance.

One thing I'm sure of,
this feeling is lasting for a reason
Welled deep within me is a notion
that we will again fall
and make each other the happiest people alive.
Like before.

I love you.

2009-11-24T16:37:00.000-08:00

I miss him terribly
not all the time though.
Which is a very good things.
My heart still skips a beat and I get a weird feeling
anytime I see him commenting me or calling.
I think it's dread.
Which is understandable considering he was
at one time
the only person who could make or break me.
leaning more towards the breaking part.
I have no right to still think about him
or us
or any memories for that matter.
It's been almost a year since, well, the end of it.

Ugh.

Same shit, different day.

2009-11-22T18:04:00.001-08:00

It's really getting old.
I have this feeling
(I think it's a feeling anyway it may just be a want)
But anywho, a feeling that something huge is going to happen.
And the last time I felt this way, a 20 month relationship came my way.
Terrible as that relationship was, it was a huge part of me.
So I'm taking this feeling as a sign and hoping for the best, or worst.
As long as it's entertaining, I'll brace myself for anything.
I just need a bit of change, which also is weird.
Considering I hate change.
I don't care.
Come to me, whatever or whomever you are.
I am ready.

Hello, blogger.

2009-11-07T20:07:00.000-08:00

I am nothing special,
I think it's fair to start with this statement.
I rarely write and will most likely forget I have this.
If otherwise, It won't really matter either way.
I am materialistic and alone
Not entirely, though.
I have friends&family.
I suppose that's better than nothing.
I am rather pessimistic,
about most things.
I also hate.
I hate alot.
I hate alot of.
I hate alot of people.
I hate alot of people who.
I hate alot of people who think.
I hate alot of people who think they're.
I hate alot of people who think they're better.
I hate alot of people who think they're better than.
I hate alot of people who think they're better than me.
This is where this blog ends.
Off to watch snatch, taking of pelham 123 and god know what else.
I'll attempt to remember this site.
Farewell, you.